Everyone's a Narcissist When They're Losing Control | The Reckoning Part 12

Everyone becomes a narcissist when they're losing control. This realization might be uncomfortable, but it's one of the most important psychological insights we can embrace for healthier relationships.

When someone stops validating us, stops choosing us, or sets boundaries we don't like, few of us respond with immediate grace. Instead, we tighten our grip, call them selfish, and sometimes act exactly like what we claim to despise. Actual narcissistic personality disorder exists, but it's rare. What's common is the flare of narcissistic traits when we feel threatened – the entitlement, manipulation, and lack of empathy that emerge when our ego panics.

The term "narcissist" has morphed from a clinical diagnosis to an emotional weapon. We use it to invalidate others' boundaries and excuse our own behavior. But most people aren't narcissists – they're wounded, desperate for dignity, and perhaps finally standing up for themselves. The most revealing question isn't "are they a narcissist?" but "am I displaying narcissistic traits right now?" When we get angry at limits, spin stories to look better, recruit allies instead of seeking resolution, or punish others emotionally, we're looking in a mirror we'd rather avoid.

True healing doesn't start with labeling others. It begins with accountability – recognizing what we did, not what someone "made" us do. By focusing on behaviors instead of labels, we create space for growth. Because while behaviors can change with awareness, labels rarely do. Next time you're tempted to call someone a narcissist, ask yourself: are they toxic, or just done letting you call the shots?

Chapters:
0:00 The Control Paradox
3:00 Understanding True Narcissism
4:11 Why We Behave Narcissistically
5:01 Weaponization of the "Narcissist" Label
6:10 Recognizing Our Own Narcissistic Behaviors
7:00 Accountability Over Labeling
7:59 Identifying Genuine Narcissistic Patterns

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Chapters

• 0:09 The Control Paradox
• 3:00 Understanding True Narcissism
• 4:11 Why We Behave Narcissistically
• 5:01 Weaponization of the "Narcissist" Label
• 6:10 Recognizing Our Own Narcissistic Behaviors
• 7:00 Accountability Over Labeling
• 7:59 Identifying Genuine Narcissistic Patterns

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:09

Episode twelve of nineteen. Everyone's a narcissist when they're losing control. What really makes narcissistic behavior emerge and why labeling others often reveals more about us? Before we call someone a narcissist, we need to ask, are they toxic? Or just refusing to let us control the story anymore? Let's be real. The moment control slips through our fingers, the moment someone stops needing us, stops validating us, stops choosing us, we don't usually respond with grace. We tighten our grip. We call them selfish. And sometimes, we act exactly like the thing we swear we are not. Calling someone a narcissist doesn't make us insightful. It usually makes us reactive. Because, yes, actual narcissists exist. But most of the time, we're just watching someone panic as they lose control. And that panic, it looks a lot like entitlement. It looks like manipulation. It looks like deflection. In other words, it looks like us on our worst day. Narcissistic behavior isn't rare. It's human. The need to be seen, the pain of being ignored, the flinch when someone sets a boundary. We've done it. I've done it. You've done it. The difference isn't in whether we feel it. The difference is what we do once we know we're losing power. The most self-aware thing we can do isn't spotting narcissists. It's noticing when we start looking like one. When the story shifts to protect our image, when we punish people with silence, when we only tell our side. That's where the work is. So before we label, we need to ask, are they a narcissist? Or are they just done letting us call the shots? And if someone calls us a narcissist, is it a smear campaign? Or did they finally stop tiptoeing around our ego? Section one. What narcissism actually is. Let's clear the fog. Narcissistic personality disorder, real NPD, is rare. But narcissistic traits? They're everywhere. We all carry tendencies that can flare when threatened unless we explicitly understand them and choose not to do them. Entitlement, manipulation, lack of empathy. These are not exotic. They are human defenses. The spectrum matters. Traits don't make us narcissists, but unchecked traits can still wreak havoc in relationships. Remember, narcissism itself isn't rare. What is rare is noticing it in ourselves. Section two, why losing control triggers narcissistic traits. Our egos don't like rejection. They don't like ambiguity. They don't like being irrelevant. Feeling abandoned or exposed is an identity threat. And what do we do when threatened? We try to control. Control the narrative. Control the person. Control the perception. That response, whether subtle or explosive, looks a lot like narcissism. Because it is narcissism in miniature. Narcissistic behavior is just the ego panicking when it loses control. Section three, the weaponization of the word narcissist. Here's where it gets really messy. Narcissist has become an emotional slur. TikTok therapy culture loves it because it's quick, viral, and final. But calling someone a narcissist often ends the conversation before it starts. It invalidates their boundaries. It excuses our own behavior. Most people aren't actual narcissists. They're wounded, flailing, desperate for dignity. And labeling them narc doesn't heal anything. It just keeps the cycle going. The word narcissist is often a mirror, not a diagnosis. Section four. Let's flip the mirror. We might be sliding into narcissistic behavior if we get angry when someone sets limits. We spin the story to make ourselves look better. We recruit allies instead of seeking resolution. We punish someone emotionally to reassert control. We become obsessed with how it looks instead of what it actually is. Sound familiar? That's the mirror most of us avoid. The best way to spot a narcissist is to catch ourselves acting like one. Section five. What to do instead of labeling? So what is the alternative? Well, instead of slapping a label, ask, what need of mine feels threatened here? Practice accountability. This is what I did, not this is what they made me do. Separate pain from projection. Conflict isn't abuse. Boundaries are not cruelty. Focus on behaviors, not labels. Because behaviors can change. Labels rarely do. Healing doesn't start with a label, it starts with accountability. Section six, when it's actually narcissism. Of course, sometimes it is the real thing. We know it's more than traits when there's a pattern over time, not just one fight. There's zero remorse or self-reflection. They cannot handle being wrong. Empathy is weaponized and never real. Being with them feels like constant auditioning for love. That is not just losing control. That is someone built on control. Traits fade when challenged. Narcissism doubles down. Section seven. Self-awareness is.